dreamland.

it's about five to one right now and after exploring the greater los angeles area with kim today, trying to find our way to the burbank ikea store, we sat in some mild traffic on the way back into the city. passing under the 5-110 freeway labyrinth, we were greeted by the skyscrapers of downtowan la, each dark black rectangular behemoth dotted by lights from unblinded office windows. the freeway, lined with shadowy palm trees swaying in the santa ana breeze, was chacteristically los angeles. under the blank night sky, cloudless, yet glowing with the haze of urban light pollution, a sea of piercing red lights flowed forth before us, while an equally piercing white headlight snake undulated its way alongside us to the left. i questiond what it would feel like to be an outsider, coming into the city to behold such a sight of welcome. we are living other people's dream, kim noted, and i was suddenly struck with the same realization. to be in los angles, california, city of stars, working, getting paid, and still blessed with the opportunity to go places on a whim, catch a wave, chat with friends over coffee or cocktails, dance in a club, shoot some pool, or throw a few frames at a bowling alley. this is a life other people only dream about - to dream that one day, they may make a living and have some fun in cities such as los angeles, san francisco, or new york. i felt proud and lucky to have experienced life in two out of those three urban wonderlands already. this is indeed the life, my life, and although i'm not rich, not famous, and not a star, i certainly have a whole lot.

this between-school interim has truly been an experience, and i am glad to have had it. no longer do i feel behind in my education, no longer do i feel behind in life, and no longer do i feel stupid that i was not able to complete my undergraduate education in four years like normal people. i used to fear for those who took a year off between college and graduate school - to fear that after taking such a long break, the desire to return to the rigors of schoolwork would evaportate. one month into my interim, i can now see how people would feel that way. i must however, discipline myself, pull back the reigns, continue my education, and return to school. i have already placed so much value in learning more and ultimately, helping others learn more as well. that value has never lessened. i want to have to opportunity to feel a humble pride that i am back in school because i want to be, and that one day, i might make a difference for the better in the lives of others. as i bumble around almost aimlessly each day in this almost aimless interim, a long term goal is a necessity to keep me in check, and i just hope dearly that one of the grad schools i appled to will accept me as a student.

as i stood on the little patio outside my front door tonight, puffing a cigarette, i looked up at the same sky i looked to a little more than a month ago, hoping in my mind that i would make it through finals week and finally, college. tonight, looking past orion and his neighbors strolling the blue-black void to the tune of the freeway hum beside me, i whispered a heartfelt thank you and stubbed out my smoke.

a cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
: wilde.