threshold.

woken up far too early for my own good this morning by the sunlight, which peered through my blinds, and the incessant barking of some distant dog, i layed in bed, tossing and turning for a good hour, trying to find some comforting method to drift back into sleep but to no avail. in that odd period of morning, where the bed is just warm enough to allude to some past fleeting notions of sound sleep, yet just cold enough to be irritating, it was ten times worse to realize that if i had just stayed asleep, i would not have noticed the chill at all. turning on the tele, i decided to annoy myself out of bed instead, listening to the mindless chatter of morning "news programs" which were hardly news at all, but rather endless jesting between personalities, while someone was touring a kitchen somewhere. i am never sure what food preparation has to do with starting a day, but in today's case, one female personality was learning how to milk a goat and later, turn it into cheese, while on another station, some other female personalities were being given a food tour by wolfgang puck through dinner at the govenor's ball after this sunday's academy awards. other "news" consisted of what celebrites were going to get in their free grab-bags if they showed up to any promotional venues around the city. either way, it was all quite useless, and definately time for me to get up.

despite that morning sun which roused me up earlier, the sky three hours later has now turned into a bright grey soup of fog and clouds. two evenings ago, after catching the finale of the television series project runway, which i have to guiltily admit to following religiously, i stepped outside for a smoke, a fitting end to the show itself. thinkning back on the struggles these last contenders had to undergo to make it this far, culminating in an entire twelve piece collection, made in five months, to be shown professionally, i was impressed by how much the designers were able to accomplish in such a short amount of time, not to mention creating an outfit in several hours, as on the previous shows for elimination. as i puffed, ruminating over achievement, periodically closing my eyes to inhale a breath of night-time air, lightly scented by sleeping flowers and damp earth, i also thought back to what i had accomplished these past thirteen weeks as the show played out. since project runway's premire on december first, i have turned in all my final reports and given all my final presentations. i have completed all my final exams, received my final grades, and finished college. i have applied to all the graduate schools i want to attend and have finally been able to take a breather, only to live up los angeles' night life. from that perspective i too, have accomplished a lot in these past thirteen weeks, some of which will go on to determine my future in the long-run. as i stand outside fighting the chill at such an hour, too late for night yet too early for day, listening to the rare eeire calm of the freeway, i watch a thin lace of smoke rise from the glowing embers atop my dying cigarette and take one last drag, feeling refreshed and renewed, my mind a tabula rasa for future impressions. now is the calm before the storm, a period of waiting to hear back from my applied schools, a time to give my body and mind a rest... as i stand on the threshold of an open door - to the world.

our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us;
and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.
: wilde.